My Blog Bubble

There is a constant tug of war in my head. Between the positive and the negative. The devil and the Angel on my shoulder. Constantly buzzing in my ear. My depression causes the negative devil to speak loudest and causes my anxiety to worsen. On good days or when I am busy or surrounded by people I can't hear that dastardly little blighter. And on others days my positive white angel will pipe up and tell him to pipe down. She will counteract what he has to say.  There is constant chatter; I am never alone. They say silence is deafening and for someone with mental illness that is so true.  Music can help drown out the voices. Mediation can but that is harder. Keeping your mind busy. Maybe through mindfulness or watching a film. They prevent me from hearing the voices.  Sometimes I wish they would leave me alone and let me enjoy some peace and quiet

I think a lot about my illness is subconscious and how things play on my mind without me realising. It isn't until I stop to wonder why I am feeling especially low or sad inside that I look for a reason. Oftentimes there is a lot of searching to be done and sometimes no answers are found. Without my realising this time of year has been creeping up on me. August and September are probably my worst two months of the year which is ironic as it is also birthday season and the beginning of autumn (my favourite time of year).  August is the reminder of that decision I made three years ago that will forever be tinged with regret. September now holds a new meaning. A time to realise that I am not in control and that sometimes life takes unexpected turns. It was a Thursday last year, but as with all dates, this year it falls on a Friday. A day to remember I am fallible and can be broken. A time to remember I could not be here. So should be thankful. A time to grieve for my loss, my ...