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I'm angry. I am so angry my jaw hurts from clenching my teeth together.   Death is a cruel master. Why hasn't he taken Mum yet?   Watching my Mum, once so full of life, lying on a hospital bed barely alive hurts. There is nothing of mum left. I am angry that it is raping me of my memories of Mum; of what she used to look like.   Mum hasn't eaten in a week; not drunk anything and yet she is still here. Her heart is strong and her lungs keep going. Everything else is ravaged by cancer. I truly believe her soul left on Monday - when she stopped communicating. She wants it to end but there is no let up.   We convince ourselves she will go when she is ready and that she is waiting for something or someone.   Peace?   We have given her that. Leslie? She is here now. The only thing it could be is that she set a date in her head of 2 March and maybe she HAS to make that. Or maybe death is just cruel. This constant treadmill i...

Today I went to church and I cried.  Alex came with me and just held me.  Everyone at church sends their love and support. I got down to see you and share some time with you. I read prayers and Readings.  And I read hymns - in fact Sarah and I sung a couple to you (with a beautiful dance from Sarah too).  I put your cross in your hand and you held on tight. I even said you should stand and join in with us and you whipped back the cover as if to stand - making me smile! I stayed for the memorial service and cried there too.  There were a couple of readings and prayers that were beautiful. Yesterday it was music - a bit of Olivia Newton John and the Messiah.  Today it was just me - but you didn't tell me to stop so that is always a bonus. Mum I don't know why you are staying but your heart is as strong as it is true and I love you.

So we have discussed the ins and outs of your funeral.   We have spoken about the type of coffin you want (you said willow originally and now seem happy with a cardboard one).  In fact Googling them became quite a fun thing to do - so many to choose from.  I have even chosen my own and Alex his (I wonder if there is a bulk option or maybe we can buy flat-packed and store for later use)?  I know you want to be scattered so I am ready to order your scatter tube. I have even looked at Ashes in to Glass - so that we can each have a special "something" to remember you by. We have spoken of readings and hymns.  And ministers.  We haven't spoken flowers or donations but I am sure that is yet to come. We have spoken about how I can let people know of your death and how I am NOT to use the word passed or passing at any point as you really don't like that. I don't like the phrase "lost their fight" or "given up their fight". ...