Mum's Got Cancer: Part Twelve

Today I went to church and I cried. Alex came with me and just held me. Everyone at church sends their love and support.

I got down to see you and share some time with you.

I read prayers and Readings. And I read hymns - in fact Sarah and I sung a couple to you (with a beautiful dance from Sarah too). I put your cross in your hand and you held on tight.

I even said you should stand and join in with us and you whipped back the cover as if to stand - making me smile!

I stayed for the memorial service and cried there too. There were a couple of readings and prayers that were beautiful.

Yesterday it was music - a bit of Olivia Newton John and the Messiah. Today it was just me - but you didn't tell me to stop so that is always a bonus.

Mum I don't know why you are staying but your heart is as strong as it is true and I love you.

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100 Sad Days: Day 29 La La La

Not all abuse in a relationship is physical. Just like all illnesses are not obvious. Although they are "mental" it doesn't make them any less significant. An Open Letter: Your words are often harsh and I let them float over my head. I know it's not you thinking. It's alcohol, it's tiredness, it's money, it's family, it's drugs, its work, it's whatever excuse I decide to label it with to move on. Sometimes they cut so deep. Putting small cracks in my heart that need love to fill the gaps. When this happens forgiveness takes a little longer. When it is constant the opposite happens and I pull down the shutters. I stop feeling. I stop caring. I am numb. This is when I want to never wake up. And then there are the unforgivable things. The venomous words spat from your mouth. Not in anger. Not in rage. Just in hate and apathy. What do I do with those? Where do I go from there?

LuluSLR: Mum's Got Cancer; Part One

I originally published this post on 13 December 2016, a year before my son was born, and four years ago today. I thought, with the anniversary of Mum's death on the horizon, and with losing two friends to this disease in recent times I would re-publish these posts (minus the fundraising bits for Pancreatic Cancer). I thought long and hard about writing something knowing Mum doesn't like to talk about these things. However I think that everyone now knows and, being selfish: for me this is cathartic. Much like my #100SadDays blog I don't want this to be all doom and gloom. I want to talk about how it has made me feel and how it has affected everyone; including my beautiful mum. I have written about #cancer before; it isn't a new subject for me. I have spoken freely about how I feel about it and how it has affected both me, my family and my friends. I have said that it doesn't "touch" people as so often is coined: it rapes and kills and blights...

LuluSLR: Christmas Letter 2020

I simply cannot remember the last time I wrote a Christmas letter - a tradition I had started and planned to continue throughout my life. Not only was it a toast to Mum (she always wrote a great Christmas Letter) but people always liked to recieve them. Well somewhere along the way I stopped doing them. I know I have posted one as a blog post before and here I am again. It isnt the easy way out but it is a more environmental option (and a good one for someone without access to a printer)! My reason for stopping in the past was that I felt I didnt really have very much to say; my letters always seemed to say the same thing - there was always a drama with work (and this year is no different). However 2020 has been a year that no one will forget and as such I thought I should commemerate it with the return of the Crimbo letter! Just before Christmas last year Alex, the kids and I moved in together to a lovely house in Farnignham. It meant that Christmas ...

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