My Blog Bubble

As a teenager we lived next door to a lady with depression.   She and her husband were lovely people, they would always stop and chat, but sometimes she would retreat and we wouldn't see her for months. Instead we would only see Ernie on his daily walk. Then suddenly she would be back beside him with long hair (Gladys always had short hair). I didn't really take much notice but can remember my mum commenting about Gladys and her long hair meaning she had been depressed.   Now, looking back, I can see how they were connected. How Glady wouldn't want to leave the house and thus her hair would grow and she would look unkempt when she did reappear. I get it now. Growing up depression wasn't really something I knew much about. I know members of my family have suffered with it but it just kind of passed me by. After all we all have sad days or  short periods. Well that's what I thought. Just get on with it. Keep smiling.   However my short periods would get longer...

Some things just take over. There I was feeling like life was on the up and that maybe I was on the right side of my dark journey. Walking towards the brighter side of life. Then kaboom. The words "no you won't be returning to work you won't be leaving the hospital" hit me full on in the face. That phrase made the whole awful situation more real. I visit A&E on occasion (riding breaks and poling dislocations) but never have I had to stay. Even after Eliza I managed less than ten hours in hospital. I couldn't believe this was happening.  I felt scared and bereft, alone, sad.  I felt like I was being punished. And then I saw the consultant.  Told off for not going in sooner he told me that by ignoring the pain it was highly likely he would have been resuscitating me if I had left it any longer.  Wow. I realised then that I was in trouble and that a high pain threshold is not always a good thing. Anyhow I had the surgery that night. I had my ...

My medication has turned my black dog to a small bundle of fluff. He is controlled, held back as it were, and lives in my stomach. I know he is there and at times I can feel him straining at the leash to get out. It scares me. I guess I could liken him to a Gremlin. Looks cute and harmless but add water and he becomes a menace and ruins everything. The medication, on the whole, keeps the water at bay.  Sometimes though I can feel that little tike getting ready for a swim and I don't know how to stop him. He gets into my thoughts and my actions. He controls my subconscious. I want to be happy but he wants to play.  I'd say I want him to drown but that would only make matters worse!  I just hope that one day he finds a new home. Maybe not with someone else but somewhere away from me

And by vet I obviously mean human vet (doctor).. So regular readers know I made an appointment to see my doctor ten days after actually needing to see her.  Well one of my friends fought my corner and got me seen the next day (thanks missy). When I first started on this medication I thought it would be a short term thing and then I would be fixed and back on track.  So going to the doctor to explain I was having more bad days than good was not in my plans. The result of my trip was that  the doctor recommended I got a job I actually liked and she doubled my medication.  She is right but it's easier said than done on the work front.  Double meds for the foreseeable it is then!

Doctor Doctor I need to see you: We can fit you in ten days from now... How is this a helpful response to anyone with an illness including a mental illness? I usually am happy to see whichever doctor can see me however my depression is being managed by a specific doctor.  My medication is ok repeat and I haven't been back for six months.  The other day when I felt bad and thought I was on a slippery slope I went to the surgery to book an appointment and explained what it was for. Sadly I have to wait over a week.  Well let's hope I'm not suicidal by then hey?! Can I just say I am not berating the GPs or the NHS. I fully support our system and know how busy people are. I am j ust venting I guess. Our medical system is amazing but heavily underfunded. Nuff said. 

Most of us in relationships know that our arguments are circular: we argue about the same things. Also, like many, my partner Chris and I argue about money. They say money can't buy you happiness and although that may be true (I am yet to find out); I can categorically say a lack of it can put you in to a happiness debt. I work full time and so does Chris.  Eliza is at the childminders full time. Chris is self employed and I have a basic wage that doesn't come near to covering my bills.  We do not own our home and no longer have a car of our own having to sell it as we couldn't afford it. We have cut down our spending and still we struggle to make ends meet. I do Avon to give me a little spending money and Chris works weekends.   Yet still we have debt collectors knocking at the door and ringing the door bells.  And the sad thing about this is that it may be that I put finances down for part of the reason I am in my sad place but I also think it is a reas...