My Blog Bubble

Pain tugs at my body Reminding me of what I lost It punches me in the gut And makes me double over I wince in agony But in the back of my mind I know it is my body Telling me I am healing  It tells me, every time, That things are changing That they haven't taken it all And my body heals My mind, on the other hand, Is still quiet It's is holding back So far from ready So far from being able to fight It's a long road And one of incomplete recovery A move to a new way A different path

It's been a few weeks since my life altering surgery (sounds more drastic than it was maybe; however I guess it was, in some ways, life saving).  Anyhow I haven't been able to write as have been in pain and dealing with my physical scars. I told the doctor recently that I am only able to deal with the physical and have had to disconnect from my body as I hate what it has done to me. I am still unable to really deal with what the surgery means and the implications it may have on my future.  Anyhow this blog is to say I may not be coping so well and other peoples good news may hit me like a sledgehammer. However I know that I am thankful for my family and friends. For my beautiful girl, my worried partner, my caring dog, my parents, my friends that have all come forward to help me and those that have been an ear or just a "like".  Thank you so much you have done more than you will ever know.

Some things just take over. There I was feeling like life was on the up and that maybe I was on the right side of my dark journey. Walking towards the brighter side of life. Then kaboom. The words "no you won't be returning to work you won't be leaving the hospital" hit me full on in the face. That phrase made the whole awful situation more real. I visit A&E on occasion (riding breaks and poling dislocations) but never have I had to stay. Even after Eliza I managed less than ten hours in hospital. I couldn't believe this was happening.  I felt scared and bereft, alone, sad.  I felt like I was being punished. And then I saw the consultant.  Told off for not going in sooner he told me that by ignoring the pain it was highly likely he would have been resuscitating me if I had left it any longer.  Wow. I realised then that I was in trouble and that a high pain threshold is not always a good thing. Anyhow I had the surgery that night. I had my ...