My Blog Bubble

Sometimes I think I have got it all together and that I am going to be OK.  Other times I find myself crying as I am driving along.  And there are times like now I can feel my stomach churning and my entire body shouting "I'm not ready yet". I have had the pragmatic conversations.  We have spoken wills and funeral services.  I have even looked at coffins and scatter tubes.  I know where Mum wants her ashes to be scattered and the type of hymns she likes.  I have asked if I could read a poem and if my daughter can attend.  I can do all of this but I cannot accept that it is going to happen. I can say that Mum has had a good life and had the opportunity to travel.  That we, as a family, have had more years than we thought we would be graced with.  Never did we imagine Mum could fight off the MS as she has done. Never in a million years did we see this happening and am I ready for it?  Am I heck as like.  I feel like I hav...

I am still numb. Not sure how to feel. Everyone tells me they are sorry for my loss and seem almost more upset from me. I don't understand what is happening.   I am told it will blindside me at some point and I guess I am waiting for that.   It hit me yesterday that maybe the reason I am not yet grieving is that I cannot, in my head, justify the person we are placing in a box is you; Mum.   I saw you diminish before my eyes and life slowly ebb away. That person that was left wasn't you. Not my Mum. My mum is was full of life and optimistic.   The person I wish I hadn't kissed on the head, lying dead on that bed, wasn't you.   Although there is a smile on my face when I think of the party popper in your hand that I had left on your pillow the night before. Go and celebrate that you made it there on your own terms.   Love you Mum x www.justgiving.co.uk/chrisgelling

So we have discussed the ins and outs of your funeral.   We have spoken about the type of coffin you want (you said willow originally and now seem happy with a cardboard one).  In fact Googling them became quite a fun thing to do - so many to choose from.  I have even chosen my own and Alex his (I wonder if there is a bulk option or maybe we can buy flat-packed and store for later use)?  I know you want to be scattered so I am ready to order your scatter tube. I have even looked at Ashes in to Glass - so that we can each have a special "something" to remember you by. We have spoken of readings and hymns.  And ministers.  We haven't spoken flowers or donations but I am sure that is yet to come. We have spoken about how I can let people know of your death and how I am NOT to use the word passed or passing at any point as you really don't like that. I don't like the phrase "lost their fight" or "given up their fight". ...

It's important to remember that it is ok to be happy too. If small minded people think that seeing you smile means that you are fixed then that is up to them.  That is their mistake. Not yours.  Just like it is ok to smile at a funeral, or laugh at a wake, at fond memories you share of the deceased. It is ok to enjoy yourself when suffering with depression.  No you are not fixed. You are just able to see a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel.  Depression isn't a constant down mood or need to cry. It is a shroud you carry, heavy over your body, each and everyday.  So smile, laugh, if you want to.  It is going to be ok some day.