LuluSLR: Mum's Got Cancer; Part Two (originally publsihed 9 January 2017)

Sometimes I think I have got it all together and that I am going to be OK. Other times I find myself crying as I am driving along. And there are times like now I can feel my stomach churning and my entire body shouting "I'm not ready yet".

I have had the pragmatic conversations. We have spoken wills and funeral services. I have even looked at coffins and scatter tubes. I know where Mum wants her ashes to be scattered and the type of hymns she likes. I have asked if I could read a poem and if my daughter can attend. I can do all of this but I cannot accept that it is going to happen.

I can say that Mum has had a good life and had the opportunity to travel. That we, as a family, have had more years than we thought we would be graced with. Never did we imagine Mum could fight off the MS as she has done.

Never in a million years did we see this happening and am I ready for it? Am I heck as like. I feel like I have to keep on reminding Mum how much I love her and how much she means to me. Asking (and hoping) that I have done her proud.

I didn't realise until I had Eliza how much a mother actually loves their child and how much they give up to ensure their little one's don't have hardship.

I would, in return, do all I could to take the pain away and make sure Mum gets to do all the things she wants to do. I would wish myself closer to her.

I want to relish in her funny stories and laugh at her silliness. Listen to her interpretations of things and hear her sing out of tune. I want my Mum and I don't want to let go; not yet.....

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