My Blog Bubble

You’ve heard of sleeping policeman. Well my dad was the cooking policeman. Growing up I was so proud to have a dad that was a policeman. His job always sounded so cool and exciting.  Then there was his ability to follow a recipe (the same one time and time again).  He made an amazing macaroni cheese (the best), shepherds pie, lamb curry (from scratch) and oh my goodness the Devil’s food cake - four storeys of ultimate chocolate cake! I loved to be able to talk about the fact that he was born in India. That he was brought up in South Africa. That he had a three-legged cheetah as a pet.  Stories of sat on a wall eating mangoes with monkeys   Dad was also a knitter - having learnt from his grandma.  And I can remember our loop cardigans and the waistcoats he knitted.   Duchess, our dog, brought home after night shift. The fish tanks and trips to all of those aquatic centres   Being a South African, he loved his tech. He always had the newest gadget (oh th...

  I can’t stop hearing those words “Gulliver is dead”. Out of the blue, completely unexpected, most certainly unwelcome.   I didn’t want them to be real. I wanted to un-hear them. I wanted that phone to be as far from my ear as possible. I threw it onto the bed and just kept on murmuring those horrid words. I got up and walked into the hotel bathroom.  The grief swamped me abs pulled me to the floor. How was this possible. My boy. My beautiful boy. Dead. Give. Forever. And me - so far away. The grief wracked my body and overwhelmed me.  Pull yourself together. Stand up. Open the door. Get dressed. Go down to breakfast. One step at a time.    I walked barefooted to the restaurant. I stared blankly. Confused and struck dumb.  Trying to be strong but crying all the time. Red eyes we finally made it back to the yard. Deep breath. I opened your stable door. There lay my big handsome giraffe. Tongue out (as always). First time I saw you laid down. Last time ...

There are so many things that make me think of you. Daily. Today as I was walking to the station I realised that I am not left with a hole, with a sense of grief, sad that you died; I am left with a sense of happiness, of gladness that you lived. Is it because I have grieved well or is it because you lived magnificently and brought us up to be thankful? I am grateful that we have so many memories and stories. That I see you in so many of the things I do. Your memory lives on when I let the children know that you loved this or would have enjoyed that or even that you would have hated something. When I tell Eliza how proud you would have been of her recent school report. When we talk to Dexter about you and point you out in photos. I love that we have “your beach”. A place we can go as a family to enjoy the seaside and to remember you. I love that I can laugh with you still. Or that I say hello if I see a Robin in the garden. Or I smile at a random white feather fl...

As you know; Mum died, four weeks ago.  I haven't really felt like writing - even though I have had ideas of what I could write about. In truth I have felt pretty numb.  I have been confused by my lack of feelings towards the death of the greatest influencer in my life. In fact I have been worried that I am devoid of emotion. Yes I have sobbed and been upset but not felt the devastation that seems to warrant the condolences that people pass my way. Then I realise that maybe I am at the bottom of a well, sat on the dark damp stones and unable to see anything above me - not even a glimmer of light.  Maybe I am at the bottom of a hill or the top of a precipice.  I really don't know.   The long and short of it is that there is no set way to feel or to grieve.  I feel like I will be hit by a wrecking ball (hopefully one not ridden by Miley Cyrus) at any moment.  Or I wish that I could just sleep all of this away. I dream that mum is ill...

Take every day as it comes.  Grief is consuming - just like love.  In fact many quotes state that grief is, in fact, love in a new form. We walk our own paths and just ask for your support along the way.  I don't know where this path leads and how I am meant to deal with it, what I need to equip myself with.   I have the love of my family and friends and the possibility of counselling.  I have a million tears and all the time in the world. I have a long journey ahead and I am not sure it comes to an end, maybe I stumble less, along the way. I have really angry days.  Days where everything irritates me.  Days where everything reminds me.  Days I feel numb.  Days I feel sad.  Days I cry.  Days I laugh.  Days I pretend. Your caring doesn't go unnoticed - I love you for every smile and kind word you say or send.  The hugs.  Thank you for joining me on my journey - my expedition party.