Mum's Got Cancer; Part Eighteen

As you know; Mum died, four weeks ago. I haven't really felt like writing - even though I have had ideas of what I could write about.

In truth I have felt pretty numb. I have been confused by my lack of feelings towards the death of the greatest influencer in my life. In fact I have been worried that I am devoid of emotion.

Yes I have sobbed and been upset but not felt the devastation that seems to warrant the condolences that people pass my way.

Then I realise that maybe I am at the bottom of a well, sat on the dark damp stones and unable to see anything above me - not even a glimmer of light. Maybe I am at the bottom of a hill or the top of a precipice. I really don't know.

The long and short of it is that there is no set way to feel or to grieve. I feel like I will be hit by a wrecking ball (hopefully one not ridden by Miley Cyrus) at any moment. Or I wish that I could just sleep all of this away.

I dream that mum is ill. I dream that she is alive. I forget that she died. And I am still not ready to recognise her in the past tense.

Last night I cried. In fact I sobbed big ugly gasps. Distraught. And it was due to the fact that I had had such a great day and I couldn't tell her all about it. And I know she would have loved it too.

To be blunt it is shit and I feel crap and sad and alone and so many other things too. And whats-more I know my little Spud is hurting too.

Comments

100 Sad Days: Day 29 La La La

Not all abuse in a relationship is physical. Just like all illnesses are not obvious. Although they are "mental" it doesn't make them any less significant. An Open Letter: Your words are often harsh and I let them float over my head. I know it's not you thinking. It's alcohol, it's tiredness, it's money, it's family, it's drugs, its work, it's whatever excuse I decide to label it with to move on. Sometimes they cut so deep. Putting small cracks in my heart that need love to fill the gaps. When this happens forgiveness takes a little longer. When it is constant the opposite happens and I pull down the shutters. I stop feeling. I stop caring. I am numb. This is when I want to never wake up. And then there are the unforgivable things. The venomous words spat from your mouth. Not in anger. Not in rage. Just in hate and apathy. What do I do with those? Where do I go from there?

100 Sad Days: Day 17; Uncomfortably Numb

I think one of the scariest feelings that I get with my depression is that of nothingness. Not in a nice yoga-like-meditation way but in a vast emptiness type of a way. It is an all consuming numbness. You just do not care about anything. Not what you say to me or think of me. I am full to brimming with nothing. The darkness comes from this, the lethargy, the apathy. Nothing matters. I think this is where the suicidal tendencies creep in. I don't care what happens next. What would happen if I drove into that tree? Or if I took a cocktail of tablets? I have never seen any such thing through as I have Eliza and she deserves more from me. She is the only thing that makes me feel something and can drag me from my black hole. And for that I will be eternally grateful. The numbness scares me most of all......

LuluSLR: Mum's Got Cancer; Part One

I originally published this post on 13 December 2016, a year before my son was born, and four years ago today. I thought, with the anniversary of Mum's death on the horizon, and with losing two friends to this disease in recent times I would re-publish these posts (minus the fundraising bits for Pancreatic Cancer). I thought long and hard about writing something knowing Mum doesn't like to talk about these things. However I think that everyone now knows and, being selfish: for me this is cathartic. Much like my #100SadDays blog I don't want this to be all doom and gloom. I want to talk about how it has made me feel and how it has affected everyone; including my beautiful mum. I have written about #cancer before; it isn't a new subject for me. I have spoken freely about how I feel about it and how it has affected both me, my family and my friends. I have said that it doesn't "touch" people as so often is coined: it rapes and kills and blights...

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