My Blog Bubble

 I was driving along this morning feeling rather down in the mouth (odd saying) and thinking about what Christmas is going to look like for Joe Public and all the local businesses.  I realised it is going to be so different and hopefully something we won't have to experience again in our lifetime.  It also got my thinking about what it feels like to be in lockdown. And that is when I realised that being in a period of depression is like being in Tier 3; there are people next door going about their lives in Tiers 1 & 2 and then there is you.  Locked up with no idea when it will end.  Not able to go out and have fun.  Not able to do what other "normal" people can do.  It isnt like lockdown - as that is soemthing everyone is put through; this is just for you; your own little Tier courtesy of your mind.   I know it sounds daft but so many people cannot understand mental health problems and even those that have them find it difficult to explai...

Take things day by day they say. Sometimes that can be a struggle. Taking things hour by hour also seems too difficult. I try to deal with things as they come along and so today I thought I'd blog about my first thought when I wake: Always: is it a weekend (no work, time with family and friends)?  If not then I know I need to battle with myself to get out of bed.  I know everyone hates getting up. For me it isn't so much that I hate it it's more that I just cannot seem to do it as I know what lies ahead: another day.  If I get up I have to accept the fact I need to shower and get dressed, get Eliza up and dressed, drop her off and go to work, all before I can come home again to my place of "safety". The task of what I am going to wear overwhelms me sometimes and I cannot get out of bed without having a clear plan of action. If a chosen garment isn't clean then my plan crumbles and so do I. Silly isn't it?  How can something so small affect...

There is a constant tug of war in my head. Between the positive and the negative. The devil and the Angel on my shoulder. Constantly buzzing in my ear. My depression causes the negative devil to speak loudest and causes my anxiety to worsen. On good days or when I am busy or surrounded by people I can't hear that dastardly little blighter. And on others days my positive white angel will pipe up and tell him to pipe down. She will counteract what he has to say.  There is constant chatter; I am never alone. They say silence is deafening and for someone with mental illness that is so true.  Music can help drown out the voices. Mediation can but that is harder. Keeping your mind busy. Maybe through mindfulness or watching a film. They prevent me from hearing the voices.  Sometimes I wish they would leave me alone and let me enjoy some peace and quiet

The oddest thing just happened to me. In the middle of a pole class I just put on my trackies, my hoodie and left. I am not a quitter. I never leave a film halfway through, I see things through, I read a book to the end, it doesn't mean I am enjoying it but if I sign up to it I stay with it. I wouldn't want to waste my time or money after all.  Today however I just had to leave. I had an overwhelming sense of being an outsider, or being useless, just feeling wrong. Pole isn't like that, it's all inclusive, but today it was like I was at a new studio: a complete beginner.  I put my hood up and stepped out I to the rain and cried. I just felt wrong....

Anxious the Elephant will m ean very little to most folk but asi have friends who worked for Haven Holidays I have heard of him. The reason for the title is a little tenuous....  M y thinking was this: anxiety and depression are often the elephants in the room. Completely ignored despite their presence as people are embarrassed about mental illness.  Today's topic is anxiety. I am not a stressy person or a worrier so I am not prone to panic attacks but have witnessed them first hand with my Dad.  However today I was feeling a little under the weather but continued as normal. I felt that I was not "happy" and couldn't quite place what was wrong. All of a sudden, for no reason at all, whilst in a shop my stomach somersaulted into my throat and started to strangle me from the inside.  Or at least that how it felt. For only the second time in my life I felt a need to run to fresh air, the last time was many years ago in a crowded pub a couple of weeks after I was ...