My Blog Bubble

Love doesn't end in a firework. There are no flares to light the way to the next chapter of your life. Love fizzles out. Like a bottle of champagne sitting in a fridge without a spoon. It just loses its bubbles until one day it is flat. Sometimes something shifts. One person changes. One person gives up.  The fights culminate. Sometimes it is a whisper. A Subtle change. Whatever it is the end is signalled. Does it really come as a shock. Is it inevitable. Are you the first, or the last, to see it coming? Where do those emotions go?  What happens to all that love?  That friendship?  Why doesn't it bend like normal friendships? Why does it splinter into a million painful pieces? Oftentimes it can be put down to others. Their opinions. Their interference. Their reliance. Sometimes it is the influence of outside forces. Sometimes it is just time, circumstance, situational.  What are we?

A hard-hitter from three years ago that remained unpublished until now: I always knew what I wanted to be when I grew up - happy and successful - I was never really sure what I wanted to be though. That changed often but seem to always go back to the same thing - maybe a blog for another time. Lets talk about the happy and successful: neither of which I seem to have attained as yet.  Now I am not silly I know fairy tales are just that, I don't believe in living happily ever after, I don't even believe love can last. So that part never figured hugely in my future: I was going to be the next Dr Robertson (via phd not medicine); I was going to have a successful career whereby I could fend or myself; I was going to meet the man I was to marry at 26; we were going to have two children; we were going to be happy. Simple(s). So lets look at that plan: I only managed a Masters (but I did achieve that whilst working full time); currently I am unemployed - I have ha...

In Paul's first letter to the Corinthians he spoke of love and nowadays we hear those words read at weddings. My experience of love has shown me a different way.  It isn't that I "have not love" it is just that I have no experience of the love that he speaks about. Love isn't patient it rings and rings, if there is no answer it rings again.  Love is 16 missed calls Love isn't   kind it is cruel and full of harsh words.  Spite and venom. Lo ve  does envy.  It is a green eyed monster.  It is jealous of all that it once held dear.  And yet some times it does not envy and it seems to not even care. It does boast; love is full of selfish pride. Love is arrogant, pretentious, conceited, pompous, insolent. Love is rude. Ill-tempered.  Short-fused. Love has only one way and it isn't mine Love is irritable. And worst of all, love is resentful, and full of regrets. Love does rejoice at wrongdoing, it cares little...

Dear Alcohol You make me in to a fun, somewhat loud, drunk.  I love to dance and joke and chat.  I then fall asleep especially with the addition thereafter of fresh air. Why is it you cannot do the same for everybody?  Why does the same drug have different effects on people?  I know it's about emotional responses and biological make up, physiological, psychology and various other ologies as well.  However this letter is to you. Why turn somebody I love in to a mean hearted, foul tongued, obnoxious, selfish, argumentative, opinionated, miserable bully?  Why?  It is breaking my heart.   They say that "what is on the drunk man's lips is in the sober man's heart" (in vino veritas) and if that is so I am in trouble.  So many unkind words and statements.  They are making me numb.  Please don't turn them to hate. Sticks and stones may break my bones but names stay forever with me. I ask you, alcohol, stop stealing...

The oddest thing just happened to me. In the middle of a pole class I just put on my trackies, my hoodie and left. I am not a quitter. I never leave a film halfway through, I see things through, I read a book to the end, it doesn't mean I am enjoying it but if I sign up to it I stay with it. I wouldn't want to waste my time or money after all.  Today however I just had to leave. I had an overwhelming sense of being an outsider, or being useless, just feeling wrong. Pole isn't like that, it's all inclusive, but today it was like I was at a new studio: a complete beginner.  I put my hood up and stepped out I to the rain and cried. I just felt wrong....