Mum's Got Cancer: Part Six

Every time that blasted phone rings or I get a message from my sister or my aunt I swallow hard, I hold my breath and then I proceed.

Mum I know you are in pain and I know you want to give in to it. I also know you have nothing to fear. You have your faith and it will guide you into the arms of the Lord where you will be able to rest in peace.

Last night I had a bath and I sobbed and sobbed. I really don't know how to deal with this and what I am going to feel when you eventually die (I am not allowed to day pass now am I?).

I do want you to know that we are going to be fine. We will miss you incredibly but we will stick together and laugh at your memories. I find myself smiling as I think of the funny tales you have told and your smile and laugh.

Last year when we heard about your diagnosis I can remember feeling utterly bereft. And still I am. However I also remember being sad that you might not see me find my happy. I want you to know that I have. Eliza is my life and I now have Alex to enjoy her with. I have finally found the one that I can talk long in to the night with about all manner of subjects, that I can argue with, that bosses me as much as I boss him, that makes me laugh, holds me tight, makes me smile: the one that gets me. I took my time and a winding route but I am there.

Thank you for waiting for me to be able to show you.

Comments

100 Sad Days: Day 29 La La La

Not all abuse in a relationship is physical. Just like all illnesses are not obvious. Although they are "mental" it doesn't make them any less significant. An Open Letter: Your words are often harsh and I let them float over my head. I know it's not you thinking. It's alcohol, it's tiredness, it's money, it's family, it's drugs, its work, it's whatever excuse I decide to label it with to move on. Sometimes they cut so deep. Putting small cracks in my heart that need love to fill the gaps. When this happens forgiveness takes a little longer. When it is constant the opposite happens and I pull down the shutters. I stop feeling. I stop caring. I am numb. This is when I want to never wake up. And then there are the unforgivable things. The venomous words spat from your mouth. Not in anger. Not in rage. Just in hate and apathy. What do I do with those? Where do I go from there?

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I think one of the scariest feelings that I get with my depression is that of nothingness. Not in a nice yoga-like-meditation way but in a vast emptiness type of a way. It is an all consuming numbness. You just do not care about anything. Not what you say to me or think of me. I am full to brimming with nothing. The darkness comes from this, the lethargy, the apathy. Nothing matters. I think this is where the suicidal tendencies creep in. I don't care what happens next. What would happen if I drove into that tree? Or if I took a cocktail of tablets? I have never seen any such thing through as I have Eliza and she deserves more from me. She is the only thing that makes me feel something and can drag me from my black hole. And for that I will be eternally grateful. The numbness scares me most of all......

LuluSLR: Mum's Got Cancer; Part One

I originally published this post on 13 December 2016, a year before my son was born, and four years ago today. I thought, with the anniversary of Mum's death on the horizon, and with losing two friends to this disease in recent times I would re-publish these posts (minus the fundraising bits for Pancreatic Cancer). I thought long and hard about writing something knowing Mum doesn't like to talk about these things. However I think that everyone now knows and, being selfish: for me this is cathartic. Much like my #100SadDays blog I don't want this to be all doom and gloom. I want to talk about how it has made me feel and how it has affected everyone; including my beautiful mum. I have written about #cancer before; it isn't a new subject for me. I have spoken freely about how I feel about it and how it has affected both me, my family and my friends. I have said that it doesn't "touch" people as so often is coined: it rapes and kills and blights...

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