Mum's Got Cancer: Part Six

Every time that blasted phone rings or I get a message from my sister or my aunt I swallow hard, I hold my breath and then I proceed.

Mum I know you are in pain and I know you want to give in to it. I also know you have nothing to fear. You have your faith and it will guide you into the arms of the Lord where you will be able to rest in peace.

Last night I had a bath and I sobbed and sobbed. I really don't know how to deal with this and what I am going to feel when you eventually die (I am not allowed to day pass now am I?).

I do want you to know that we are going to be fine. We will miss you incredibly but we will stick together and laugh at your memories. I find myself smiling as I think of the funny tales you have told and your smile and laugh.

Last year when we heard about your diagnosis I can remember feeling utterly bereft. And still I am. However I also remember being sad that you might not see me find my happy. I want you to know that I have. Eliza is my life and I now have Alex to enjoy her with. I have finally found the one that I can talk long in to the night with about all manner of subjects, that I can argue with, that bosses me as much as I boss him, that makes me laugh, holds me tight, makes me smile: the one that gets me. I took my time and a winding route but I am there.

Thank you for waiting for me to be able to show you.

Comments

Mum's Got Cancer; Part Four

Can we ask just one thing of you:- Please stop asking me how Mum is. I know you mean well and you honestly do care; you want to know that she is ok: but we can't tell you that. In fact we are tired of having to repeat ourselves and remind ourselves that Mum isn't going to get better. That this is it. That we can't help her but can on;y make her comfortable. Maybe ask how I am, or if there is anything you can do, or just give us a hug. Maybe just squeeze our shoulder and don't say anyhting. If we want to talk, I promise, we will. Sometimes, like my Blog, it is cathartic. Other times it hurts in a way I cannot explain. The best thing to do is send a message, a text, an email, and if/when we feel like it we will respond. Forgive us if we see you are calling and cannot take your call. It is tiring, emotionally, to drag our way through a conversation we do not want to have. We know you care and we don't want to appear rude but...

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I am no longer based "in town" and I never thought I'd miss it. Yet every Wednesday when I am London bound I find myself looking forward to what I will be greeted by. It's not the hustle and bustle - the fast moving commuters and slow shuffling tourists. It's not the shops and bargains abound. It's the buildings, the Underground, the knowing smile you may get from a fellow passenger, or the sarcastic comment of a Tube driver. I love London and its diversity. I love that you can walk just a short distance and be greeted by a whole new world. I love that you can randomly bump into an old friend you haven't seen for years. Making our big world smaller every day. I love St Paul's how proud it stands in the heart of the City. The fact it has survived wars and still attracts throngs of people to it everyday. I love the pomp and circumstance of the City and its Idiosyncrasies. I love that the museums are free and that you can meander around beautifu...

Mum's Got Cancer; Part Eight

We have always been open and talked about death and funerals. I think one of the first things we spoke about after your diagnosis was about your funeral and the scattering of your ashes. Some people think it's macabre but I do it to prepare myself. The more I do now the less I HAVE to do later. We know your wishes and we have the addresses. I have your scatter tube and soon your order of service. I know what I will read and that Rachel won't be able to. But I don't want them; I want you. The promise of you, not forever, just for longer. Don't go yet Mum, please, stay a while x

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