Skip to main content

Mum's Got Cancer: Part Three

In 1996 Mum was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS) and our lives changed forever.  Rachel and I were to realise just how fallible our parents were.  Both she and I recalled a time when we lived with Mum and were watching a documentary on the TV; it was about a man that had MS and his story.  He fell ill and got worse and worse until one day he lost all control of his muscles and could do nothing for himself or speak.  We both vividly remember Mum saying "Girls if ever i should become like that please kill me".  Little did we know that less than 10 years later fate would diagnose our mum with this horrible illness.

I was away at Uni in 1996 and felt useless.  When I would come home I would do all I could and make sure others rallied around.  Mum started to be able to talk and walk again and her symptoms went in to remission. .  Neurologists decided this was not the first episode but probably the second - her specialist having written on her notes that he suspected MS but didn't want to worry her when she had two small children to look after.

Anyhow 12 years past and we waited for her next bout of sickness; Mum moved, with Terry, to a bungalow to allow her to be able to move around in a wheelchair when the time came.  She changed her diet and became a vegetarian (blamed partly on me at the time).  The time came and went, visits to Kings and scans and no change in the myelin sheath, in fact it seemed to have repaired itself in places.  Quite unheard of.  Had Mum beaten this?

Grandchildren were born and their lives celebrated with frequent trips to the seasdie to see Granny and eat copious amounts of gingerbread men.  We felt like there was a ticking MS Time Bomb in the back of our minds but Mum was leading a good life.  Then POW: CANCER.

Completely out of the blue.  Unexpected.  Unwelcome. Unwanted.  Here to stay.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

100 Sad Days: Day 29 La La La

Not all abuse in a relationship is physical. Just like all illnesses are not obvious. Although they are "mental" it doesn't make them any less significant.   An Open Letter: Your words are often harsh and I let them float over my head. I know it's not you thinking. It's alcohol, it's tiredness, it's money, it's family, it's drugs, its work, it's whatever excuse I decide to label it with to move on. Sometimes they cut so deep. Putting small cracks in my heart that need love to  fill the gaps. When this happens forgiveness takes a little longer.  When it is constant the opposite happens and I pull down the shutters. I stop feeling. I stop caring. I am numb. This is when I want to never wake up.  And then there are the unforgivable things. The venomous words spat from your mouth. Not in anger. Not in rage. Just in hate and apathy.  What do I do with those?  Where do I go from there?

100 Sad Days: Day 17; Uncomfortably Numb

I think one of the scariest feelings that I get with my depression is that of nothingness.  Not in a nice yoga-like-meditation way but in a vast emptiness type of a way. It is an all consuming numbness. You just do not care about anything.  Not what you say to me or think of me. I am full to brimming with nothing. The darkness comes from this, the lethargy, the apathy.  Nothing matters. I think this is where the suicidal tendencies creep in. I don't care what happens next. What would happen if I drove into that tree?  Or if I took a cocktail of tablets?  I have never seen any such thing through as I have Eliza and she deserves more from me.  She is the only thing that makes me feel something and can drag me from my black hole. And for that I will be eternally grateful.  The numbness scares me most of all......

LuluSLR: Mum's Got Cancer; Part One

I originally published this post on 13 December 2016, a year before my son was born, and four years ago today.  I thought, with the anniversary of Mum's death on the horizon, and with losing two friends to this disease in recent times I would re-publish these posts (minus the fundraising bits for Pancreatic Cancer). I thought long and hard about writing something knowing Mum doesn't like to talk about these things.  However I think that everyone now knows and, being selfish: for me this is cathartic. Much like my #100SadDays blog I don't want this to be all doom and gloom.  I want to talk about how it has made me feel and how it has affected everyone; including my beautiful mum. I have written about #cancer before; it isn't a new subject for me.  I have spoken freely about how I feel about it and how it has affected both me, my family and my friends. I have said that it doesn't "touch" people as so often is coined: it rapes and kills and blights...