Mum's Got Cancer; Part Fifteen

Here I am wishing your body would give in. I can't believe I am wanting my mum's body to die. And I say your body as I think that is all that is left. Your spirit has moved on already.

Last night it hit me what that means. Wishing my own mother dead. Not being able to speak to you anymore. Not hearing your funny stories or see you smiling face.

Not being able to see the joy in your eyes when you see your grandchildren.

Not being able to walk along the beach with you.

Not watching the tv with you and drinking tea.

No more nonsense conversations where no one can keep up outside of you, Rachel and I.

No more Mum. No more Mum.

www.justgiving.co.uk/chrisgelling

Comments

100 Sad Days: Day 29 La La La

Not all abuse in a relationship is physical. Just like all illnesses are not obvious. Although they are "mental" it doesn't make them any less significant. An Open Letter: Your words are often harsh and I let them float over my head. I know it's not you thinking. It's alcohol, it's tiredness, it's money, it's family, it's drugs, its work, it's whatever excuse I decide to label it with to move on. Sometimes they cut so deep. Putting small cracks in my heart that need love to fill the gaps. When this happens forgiveness takes a little longer. When it is constant the opposite happens and I pull down the shutters. I stop feeling. I stop caring. I am numb. This is when I want to never wake up. And then there are the unforgivable things. The venomous words spat from your mouth. Not in anger. Not in rage. Just in hate and apathy. What do I do with those? Where do I go from there?

100 Sad Days: Day 17; Uncomfortably Numb

I think one of the scariest feelings that I get with my depression is that of nothingness. Not in a nice yoga-like-meditation way but in a vast emptiness type of a way. It is an all consuming numbness. You just do not care about anything. Not what you say to me or think of me. I am full to brimming with nothing. The darkness comes from this, the lethargy, the apathy. Nothing matters. I think this is where the suicidal tendencies creep in. I don't care what happens next. What would happen if I drove into that tree? Or if I took a cocktail of tablets? I have never seen any such thing through as I have Eliza and she deserves more from me. She is the only thing that makes me feel something and can drag me from my black hole. And for that I will be eternally grateful. The numbness scares me most of all......

LuluSLR: Mum's Got Cancer; Part One

I originally published this post on 13 December 2016, a year before my son was born, and four years ago today. I thought, with the anniversary of Mum's death on the horizon, and with losing two friends to this disease in recent times I would re-publish these posts (minus the fundraising bits for Pancreatic Cancer). I thought long and hard about writing something knowing Mum doesn't like to talk about these things. However I think that everyone now knows and, being selfish: for me this is cathartic. Much like my #100SadDays blog I don't want this to be all doom and gloom. I want to talk about how it has made me feel and how it has affected everyone; including my beautiful mum. I have written about #cancer before; it isn't a new subject for me. I have spoken freely about how I feel about it and how it has affected both me, my family and my friends. I have said that it doesn't "touch" people as so often is coined: it rapes and kills and blights...

My Blog Bubble

Search This Blog