My Blog Bubble

Some things just take over. There I was feeling like life was on the up and that maybe I was on the right side of my dark journey. Walking towards the brighter side of life. Then kaboom. The words "no you won't be returning to work you won't be leaving the hospital" hit me full on in the face. That phrase made the whole awful situation more real. I visit A&E on occasion (riding breaks and poling dislocations) but never have I had to stay. Even after Eliza I managed less than ten hours in hospital. I couldn't believe this was happening.  I felt scared and bereft, alone, sad.  I felt like I was being punished. And then I saw the consultant.  Told off for not going in sooner he told me that by ignoring the pain it was highly likely he would have been resuscitating me if I had left it any longer.  Wow. I realised then that I was in trouble and that a high pain threshold is not always a good thing. Anyhow I had the surgery that night. I had my

Not all abuse in a relationship is physical. Just like all illnesses are not obvious. Although they are "mental" it doesn't make them any less significant.   An Open Letter: Your words are often harsh and I let them float over my head. I know it's not you thinking. It's alcohol, it's tiredness, it's money, it's family, it's drugs, its work, it's whatever excuse I decide to label it with to move on. Sometimes they cut so deep. Putting small cracks in my heart that need love to  fill the gaps. When this happens forgiveness takes a little longer.  When it is constant the opposite happens and I pull down the shutters. I stop feeling. I stop caring. I am numb. This is when I want to never wake up.  And then there are the unforgivable things. The venomous words spat from your mouth. Not in anger. Not in rage. Just in hate and apathy.  What do I do with those?  Where do I go from there?

My medication has turned my black dog to a small bundle of fluff. He is controlled, held back as it were, and lives in my stomach. I know he is there and at times I can feel him straining at the leash to get out. It scares me. I guess I could liken him to a Gremlin. Looks cute and harmless but add water and he becomes a menace and ruins everything. The medication, on the whole, keeps the water at bay.  Sometimes though I can feel that little tike getting ready for a swim and I don't know how to stop him. He gets into my thoughts and my actions. He controls my subconscious. I want to be happy but he wants to play.  I'd say I want him to drown but that would only make matters worse!  I just hope that one day he finds a new home. Maybe not with someone else but somewhere away from me

I  think most people have heard depression expressed as a black dog. Hopefully some of you have also seen the video entitled I Had a Black dog ( http://youtu.be/XiCrniLQGYc  ). If you haven't please do have a watch as it is great.  For Chris' birthday this year I bought him a book: Living With A Black Dog.  Often he says that people don't know what it is like to live with someone with depression and that only through my blog a Has he learnt more about my illness.  Well they have made the book into a short video and I highly recommend a watch ( http://www.upworthy.com/let-these-drawings-with-a-dog-show-you-what-you-should-do-when-you-approach-someone-with-depression?c=ufb1 ) Sorry if this is a bit of a cop out blog but I would like to start raising awareness of other blogs and information out there. In the hope of spreading the word that depression is REAL.

The oddest thing just happened to me. In the middle of a pole class I just put on my trackies, my hoodie and left. I am not a quitter. I never leave a film halfway through, I see things through, I read a book to the end, it doesn't mean I am enjoying it but if I sign up to it I stay with it. I wouldn't want to waste my time or money after all.  Today however I just had to leave. I had an overwhelming sense of being an outsider, or being useless, just feeling wrong. Pole isn't like that, it's all inclusive, but today it was like I was at a new studio: a complete beginner.  I put my hood up and stepped out I to the rain and cried. I just felt wrong....