100 Sad Days: Day 50: The End

This blog has been on and off for two years and mainly in the off position whilst I struggle with my mental health. Below is a short poem I wrote in May 2014:

I want to go to sleep and not wake up

Of what's on offer I have had enough

I don't want to pass away nor give up the fight

I am not losing the battle I'm finding the light

There seems very little to keep me here

Walk towards the light without any fear

I won't be missed: at least not for long

You can laugh and smile; life does go on

Wear bright colours don't wear black

Always look forward; don't look back

I will be waiting and watching over you

Always remember that I loved you.

Recent events and my continuing counselling often get me thinking about suicide. One question I am asked often is if I have suicidal thoughts. The sad fact about mental health is that, yes, I do. More often than I care to think about. I wonder how easy it would be to crash my car or step in from of that train. I think about putting myself in dangerous situations so that it isn't seen as intentional. I don't do it because I am more than that and I have my daughter - my very reason for life.

I know, though, how I would do it. I can remember being told how to kill yourself quickly by cutting your artery in your leg (the femoral)? Or by slicing upwards not across your wrist. Any other way is a mere cry for help.

I know of people taking overdoses as another call for assistance.

I would want to make sure it was done properly. That my plan couldn't fail. That it was seen as a positive step into a new phase and not a lack of strength to go on. Letters would be written and my funeral planned. I wouldn't want anyone to find me, not anyone I love anyway. Just slip away; unnoticed.

This blog isn't intended as a suicide note or a call for help. It is to raise awareness of what goes on inside the mind of someone like me; a sufferer of mental illness. The constant self doubt and thoughts to remove yourself. To make things better for everyone else. I know suicide isn't the way forward and I know I love my daughter far too much to ever hurt her in that way.

Peace out x

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