My Blog Bubble

And by vet I obviously mean human vet (doctor).. So regular readers know I made an appointment to see my doctor ten days after actually needing to see her.  Well one of my friends fought my corner and got me seen the next day (thanks missy). When I first started on this medication I thought it would be a short term thing and then I would be fixed and back on track.  So going to the doctor to explain I was having more bad days than good was not in my plans. The result of my trip was that  the doctor recommended I got a job I actually liked and she doubled my medication.  She is right but it's easier said than done on the work front.  Double meds for the foreseeable it is then!

The dreaded loom bands. What have they got to do with depression you ask? Not a lot really. Or do they? We often need to be doing something to take our minds off of what has been filling our heads. These are a great opportunity to get a bit creative without having to leave the house (you can even order them online). They are also a great family activity. Everyone can have a go and it is an activity that keeps kids quiet and amused for a good length of time. Offering you some much needed peace and quiet! I also found it quite therapeutic. The repetitive action but the ability to make something pretty. The fact that it gets you involved so easily. The whole family were soon YouTubing videos on what we could do next.  It isn't expensive and it isn't messy. Yes those darn little things get everywhere but it's not paint or play dough or moon sand! Lastly I made a rainbow band for my daughter for a special reason. We lost our beloved dog last year and we o...

Doctor Doctor I need to see you: We can fit you in ten days from now... How is this a helpful response to anyone with an illness including a mental illness? I usually am happy to see whichever doctor can see me however my depression is being managed by a specific doctor.  My medication is ok repeat and I haven't been back for six months.  The other day when I felt bad and thought I was on a slippery slope I went to the surgery to book an appointment and explained what it was for. Sadly I have to wait over a week.  Well let's hope I'm not suicidal by then hey?! Can I just say I am not berating the GPs or the NHS. I fully support our system and know how busy people are. I am j ust venting I guess. Our medical system is amazing but heavily underfunded. Nuff said. 

It has been pointed out to me on several occasions that I have set myself a rather large challenge. Some might say insurmountable. #100SadDays; 100 blogs. I think it is do-able. Especially if I break it down and don't put pressure on myself to have to write every single day. One way to look at it is two entries a week. Yes I may struggle for content but this is about my journey. A journey that is constantly changing.  Dealing with depression is all about learning to break things in to bite-sized chunks that you can deal with. Some days you may not be able to deal with much and the only task you complete is to get out of bed. Other days you could be busy and completing task after task.  If nothing else please take from today's blog that it is best to break tasks up in to smaller more deal-able things and then to take comfort in every thing that you do achieve. The other bits can wait.  You can do it. I believe in you. 

Just like you cannot fix a broken leg by telling someone to walk on it (unless you are JC Telling the lame to walk) you cannot cure a depressive by telling them to cheer up.  The following will also not help Snap out of it (oh silly us by all means) Sort yourself out (gosh why didn't we think of that) You think you're depressed well... (We don't think think we are: we are under medical supervision that proves we are) Everyone has bad days (this isn't just a bad day) You think your life is bad.... (only say this if you are going to tell us a funny anecdote about how you did something extremely embarrassing: we are still able to laugh after all) It could be worse (how do you know, we may be thinking about taking our lives) Don't be stupid (we aren't we are sad) Stop crying (we are trying to) You think this is hard on you well you should try being me (our heads are so full of stuff we feel guilty about please don't add m...

Most of us in relationships know that our arguments are circular: we argue about the same things. Also, like many, my partner Chris and I argue about money. They say money can't buy you happiness and although that may be true (I am yet to find out); I can categorically say a lack of it can put you in to a happiness debt. I work full time and so does Chris.  Eliza is at the childminders full time. Chris is self employed and I have a basic wage that doesn't come near to covering my bills.  We do not own our home and no longer have a car of our own having to sell it as we couldn't afford it. We have cut down our spending and still we struggle to make ends meet. I do Avon to give me a little spending money and Chris works weekends.   Yet still we have debt collectors knocking at the door and ringing the door bells.  And the sad thing about this is that it may be that I put finances down for part of the reason I am in my sad place but I also think it is a reas...

I always wanted to write a blog that had an affect on people, that helped someone, that did something. Well this week I have had so many conversations about my blog: people congratulating me or thanking me.  I think I have done what I set out to achieve and hope that I can continue to raise awareness and interest over the next 93 days. Thank you for sticking by me through this journey.  Today has been but a brief pitstop in my writing....

I have often read that animals help people with medical conditions by reducing stress levels.  One of those conditions is mental health. There are many articles out there that have medical backing showing that having a pet can help with depression.  I never really thought about it before but most of the people I know that do suffer with this illness do also have pets. My life isn't complete without a dog, my own little fur baby, oh go on I admit it I am a dog person (not a surprise for those that know me).  I never understand people that don't like dogs or are irrationally scared of them.  I don't understand how people cannot open their heart to a pooch.  I definitely don't understand animal abuse. Hate breeds hate. Dogs aren't bad they just need the right owners. For me they always worm their way in to my heart and I love them even more for that.   Maybe it is for selfish reasons that I need a dog in my life, the unconditional love, the fact that...

I started writing this in July of last year and then found other things to write about. I kept on meaning to return to this post but just didn't. Today I began the task of decluttering and in so doing I found a pile of cards. Christmas cards and thank you cards. I thought I had got it together last year. I got thank you cards ready from Eliza (for birthday presents) and Christmas cards printed too. Now in Aigust I find them hidden away in a plastic bag unsent.  As well as feeling ashamed and embarrassed for not getting them sent I am scared that I am not in control as much as I like to think I am.  So this is where the post had meant to start: An odd title for a post you may think but I couldn't decide on something witty or fitting. This post is my first apology.  An apology to my family and friends. I have always been organised and prided myself on making sure I had cards and presents ready for all occasions. Often I would send them late but...

My get and go has got up and gone I am blighted by lethargy and procrastination. I have no energy to do anything. Without realising I put things off and off and off and off.  I seem to have a "later" or "tomorrow" mantra in my head. My head that is so full of stuff and nonsense and nothingness it now hurts every single day. Some people will say I am just lazy. Or that everyone feels the same way. And yes they do, at times, I feel like this most days.  Simple tasks seem insurmountable. Today is one of those days and I am feeling the world pile up around me. I don't want to get up. I don't want to go to work. I want to go back in to a world where all I have to worry about is make believe. 

My Granny used to always say we should paint on our mask. Put on our war paint and confront the day. Ok so I don't trowel on the make up but I always (well nearly always) have a smile on my face and a laugh in my chest.   Sometimes, though, it slips. My smile is lost and the laugh has flown the nest (chest as it were). It may slip for a short time or a more prolonged period however I know that one day it will be back. How I get it back I am never sure.  Maybe it will be something my little girl does that makes my heart melt, or spaghetti bolognese cooked by my boyfriend, a glass of wine with a friend, a cup of coffee, a natter with the mummies or some time with my pole sisters. Whatever wings bring my smile back they are always welcomed with open arms. Who knows how long it will stay. 

When I first started my blog my friend Erica asked me to include an "episode" on what friends can do. Where to begin?! Have patience.  Be there for the long run and don't give up on us. People all too often bemoan that you have become too difficult to get out of the house or never return texts or calls. What they fail to realise is that you simply can't. You don't know where to begin. It doesn't mean you are not thinking of them you are just in a world of black.  It's great to know people care so send a text (not expecting a response) or an email, a card, a postcard. Maybe just drop round for a cuppa.  Take us as we are. The house may be a mess and we may not have showered for a few days. We may be wearing joggers and a hoodie, our pjs, a onesie. Please don't judge - we opened the door. Which is like opening our heart.  Give us a hug. Pure and simple.  I love fresh flowers. Often people with depression have eating issues but you can...

It's important to remember that it is ok to be happy too. If small minded people think that seeing you smile means that you are fixed then that is up to them.  That is their mistake. Not yours.  Just like it is ok to smile at a funeral, or laugh at a wake, at fond memories you share of the deceased. It is ok to enjoy yourself when suffering with depression.  No you are not fixed. You are just able to see a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel.  Depression isn't a constant down mood or need to cry. It is a shroud you carry, heavy over your body, each and everyday.  So smile, laugh, if you want to.  It is going to be ok some day.