My Blog Bubble

Elton John was wrong. Sorry is not the hardest word. In fact it is all to easily said and not meant.  For years I thought that flowers were a sad excuse for a sorry. Now I realise that what is worse is the empty shell of a sorry. The echo of an unmeant apology received in hope but ushered in haste.  I cannot count the times I have heard the word. From a forced apology "say you are sorry" to one that is said unkept.  We all say sorry. We bump in to someone and manners tell us to apologise. We drop something and we apologise. Sorry here is lighthearted but still meant. Kids fight or shout and apologise as they are taught to do. Sometimes they mean it sometimes they just say it. They are kids after all.  Adults should know better.  Sorry should mean just that. It isn't an excuse for bad behaviour. It isn't a "make everything better with one word". It should be said with the mouth, the heart and the mind.  If you are sorry then be sor...

Pain tugs at my body Reminding me of what I lost It punches me in the gut And makes me double over I wince in agony But in the back of my mind I know it is my body Telling me I am healing  It tells me, every time, That things are changing That they haven't taken it all And my body heals My mind, on the other hand, Is still quiet It's is holding back So far from ready So far from being able to fight It's a long road And one of incomplete recovery A move to a new way A different path

I am not asking you to do anything I am not nagging all the time I am just sitting writing poetry Looking for words that rhyme I want you to understand me I need to feel your love around I need you to know we are both lost And that we both can be found All I am doing is whispering quietly  Hoping that you will hear That you will finally understand  That there is nothing left to fear You lock yourself away completely You have another drink You tie yourself up in knots And all you do is think and think You do not listen when I speak At least you do not hear You are running away internally And making our future unclear. Please stop overthinking Worrying what you may lose  Look at what you have, be brave;  And us, I ask, please choose

It's been a few weeks since my life altering surgery (sounds more drastic than it was maybe; however I guess it was, in some ways, life saving).  Anyhow I haven't been able to write as have been in pain and dealing with my physical scars. I told the doctor recently that I am only able to deal with the physical and have had to disconnect from my body as I hate what it has done to me. I am still unable to really deal with what the surgery means and the implications it may have on my future.  Anyhow this blog is to say I may not be coping so well and other peoples good news may hit me like a sledgehammer. However I know that I am thankful for my family and friends. For my beautiful girl, my worried partner, my caring dog, my parents, my friends that have all come forward to help me and those that have been an ear or just a "like".  Thank you so much you have done more than you will ever know.

Some things just take over. There I was feeling like life was on the up and that maybe I was on the right side of my dark journey. Walking towards the brighter side of life. Then kaboom. The words "no you won't be returning to work you won't be leaving the hospital" hit me full on in the face. That phrase made the whole awful situation more real. I visit A&E on occasion (riding breaks and poling dislocations) but never have I had to stay. Even after Eliza I managed less than ten hours in hospital. I couldn't believe this was happening.  I felt scared and bereft, alone, sad.  I felt like I was being punished. And then I saw the consultant.  Told off for not going in sooner he told me that by ignoring the pain it was highly likely he would have been resuscitating me if I had left it any longer.  Wow. I realised then that I was in trouble and that a high pain threshold is not always a good thing. Anyhow I had the surgery that night. I had my ...

Not all abuse in a relationship is physical. Just like all illnesses are not obvious. Although they are "mental" it doesn't make them any less significant.   An Open Letter: Your words are often harsh and I let them float over my head. I know it's not you thinking. It's alcohol, it's tiredness, it's money, it's family, it's drugs, its work, it's whatever excuse I decide to label it with to move on. Sometimes they cut so deep. Putting small cracks in my heart that need love to  fill the gaps. When this happens forgiveness takes a little longer.  When it is constant the opposite happens and I pull down the shutters. I stop feeling. I stop caring. I am numb. This is when I want to never wake up.  And then there are the unforgivable things. The venomous words spat from your mouth. Not in anger. Not in rage. Just in hate and apathy.  What do I do with those?  Where do I go from there?

My medication has turned my black dog to a small bundle of fluff. He is controlled, held back as it were, and lives in my stomach. I know he is there and at times I can feel him straining at the leash to get out. It scares me. I guess I could liken him to a Gremlin. Looks cute and harmless but add water and he becomes a menace and ruins everything. The medication, on the whole, keeps the water at bay.  Sometimes though I can feel that little tike getting ready for a swim and I don't know how to stop him. He gets into my thoughts and my actions. He controls my subconscious. I want to be happy but he wants to play.  I'd say I want him to drown but that would only make matters worse!  I just hope that one day he finds a new home. Maybe not with someone else but somewhere away from me