My Blog Bubble

I am not one that goes in for self help.  Lets be honest I don't really go in for any kind of help.  Reaching out to my doctor last Christmas was a massive step for me.  I have always thought I can do anything on my own and do not need other people's help.  I now know this is not the case and that I shouldn't be embarrassed to ask. Anyhow I have taken to reading about depression, both online and books.  In fact I recently bought a book for me (Ruby Wax) and one for Chris (Living with the Black Dog) as I felt it was time to start to understand this illness a little more.  However I don't seem to get a chance to read it as there is always something going on.  In fact I rarely read books anymore and that used to be something I loved.  The escapism.   It then got me thinking about other things that I have let slip or in fact let go of completely.  Things that used to keep me grounded, happy, normal. I stopped horse riding when...

The sense of failure can be on different scales. Big or small the feeling never goes away and is always there just nudging us constantly in the head. It might as well be shouting "loser" at the top of it's voice. Today I feel like I have failed as I haven't managed to find anyone to help with the ice bucket challenge, I was meant to have a pamper session but it was cancelled AND I have eaten bread despite saying I wouldn't as I desperately need to lose weight.  However it can often be on a greater scale. I can look at my life and see what I have achieved and then see what I have done with it. I have a degree and a Masters and now earn a wage that doesn't pay my bills. I don't own a home (well I am on the mortgage to my marital home but that is a battle I seem incapable of winning).  I think I will stop there as this isn't a pity rant. It's just a blog post! The feeling of failure is overwhelming sometimes. It makes me bow my head in...

Anxious the Elephant will m ean very little to most folk but asi have friends who worked for Haven Holidays I have heard of him. The reason for the title is a little tenuous....  M y thinking was this: anxiety and depression are often the elephants in the room. Completely ignored despite their presence as people are embarrassed about mental illness.  Today's topic is anxiety. I am not a stressy person or a worrier so I am not prone to panic attacks but have witnessed them first hand with my Dad.  However today I was feeling a little under the weather but continued as normal. I felt that I was not "happy" and couldn't quite place what was wrong. All of a sudden, for no reason at all, whilst in a shop my stomach somersaulted into my throat and started to strangle me from the inside.  Or at least that how it felt. For only the second time in my life I felt a need to run to fresh air, the last time was many years ago in a crowded pub a couple of weeks after I was ...

You call me selfish. You say it so often and the funny thing is it is always when I am trying to be selfless. When I say I don't mind or it's your choice. Or maybe it's when I am putting my little girl ahead of me or ahead of you. You call that selfish but I call it being a mother.  Anyhow people often state that depression is a selfish illness and that suicide is a purely selfish act. I too was one until I contemplated it after being taken down by this disease.  We aren't being selfish we are just lost. Not lost in a bubble of our own doing but a void. An empty void. We aren't putting ourselves first or moving away we are just not feeling anything.  And then past that we start to think about our family and friends and what a drain we are on them. We start to think how much better their lives would be without us. So you see, we are far from being selfish, we are trying to be the complete opposite.  Yes those that are left behind will mourn but...

Everyone always says "but you are always the life and soul of the party. You are always smiling. You are the last person I thought that would suffer from depression".  I have spoken about it before: it's all about masks and putting on a face. No, that's not true, it isn't all about that. I am naturally a happy-go-lucky person. Just sometimes I am not and I used to feel the need to hide it behind larger laughs and smiles.  Today I am looking at Comedians and why so many suffer with depression. This isn't in light of the recent sad news about Robin Williams as this blog had already been written. However I feel a need to mention him too.  When we think of comedians and depression we think Jack Dee. His act was born out of a lack of success and he went on the stage once miserable and it took off from there. However he (as far as I know) doesn't suffer with this disease.  I think the route of the problem lies in the mass highs. And from a great height there is ...

One of my underlying feelings is that of feeling irritated. By the smallest of things; how my dog licks his paws; how someone chews their food; constantly being asked the same thing.  Now don't get me wrong EVERYONE gets irritated. And everyone gets annoyed. But to live constantly with a sense of annoyance is hard work. It is completely irrational and it can be the silliest of things that set it off.  It is then a slippery slope to getting stressed and worked up, possible explosion and finally tears. Stupid over exuberant irrationality. It urks me. 

An odd title I know but when I did a thesaurus check on the antonym of pleasure I got pain... Maybe the Pain of Guilt is a better title. Whichever you choose today is about that! I think part of why I am where I am is an overwhelming feeling of guilt. And guilt is a funny thing. Something you cannot shake. Something you just cannot let go of however hard you try. I know I need to forgive myself but I just cannot.  There isn't much I feel guilty about to be honest. I try to live my life without regrets. So yes I feel bad that I didn't get to see my grandmother before she died (frustratingly I was going to see her on the Saturday but she decided to pop her clogs before the weekend).  Yes I feel bad for not seeing my family and friends as much but they all (should) know that I love them and keep them in my thoughts. I feel bad that my house isn't spic and span and I am not a stay at home mum but Eliza is a fantastic child and I live to ensure she is happy.  ...

I think one of the scariest feelings that I get with my depression is that of nothingness.  Not in a nice yoga-like-meditation way but in a vast emptiness type of a way. It is an all consuming numbness. You just do not care about anything.  Not what you say to me or think of me. I am full to brimming with nothing. The darkness comes from this, the lethargy, the apathy.  Nothing matters. I think this is where the suicidal tendencies creep in. I don't care what happens next. What would happen if I drove into that tree?  Or if I took a cocktail of tablets?  I have never seen any such thing through as I have Eliza and she deserves more from me.  She is the only thing that makes me feel something and can drag me from my black hole. And for that I will be eternally grateful.  The numbness scares me most of all......

It may come as a surprise but being depressed isn't all about feeling sad. Oftentimes I am overwhelmed with a mixture of feelings and emotions. Other times I feel nothing.  This week I want to blog about the main things I feel. Whether that be throughout a day (I seem to regularly board the emotional roller coaster) or just in general.  Yes sad and down are there but they are not the be all and end all.  Stay tuned....

I wanted to write about why I am continuing my blog. Yes it is hard and I am writing more blogs than I am publishing. Maybe because I am worried about how they will be accepted or viewed. About the comments I may receive for my complete honesty.  Anyhow the reason I continue is for the fantastic comments I have received along the way. The little messages to tell me that people I know suffer or have suffered with this illness.  And that what I am doing is helping people (including those living with sufferers of this mental illness).   I wanted to share with you some of the comments that keep me posting....  (I hope the authors don't mind; no names mentioned: "I have just read your blog for first time. I think you are so brave and I am truly inspired by your inner strength and honesty at how you deal with the blackness of depression. I struggle most days too. It's like treading water..... You have really helped me today though - thank you xxx" "I j...