100 Sad Days: Day 25; it's all about me!

I am not one that goes in for self help. Lets be honest I don't really go in for any kind of help. Reaching out to my doctor last Christmas was a massive step for me. I have always thought I can do anything on my own and do not need other people's help. I now know this is not the case and that I shouldn't be embarrassed to ask.

Anyhow I have taken to reading about depression, both online and books. In fact I recently bought a book for me (Ruby Wax) and one for Chris (Living with the Black Dog) as I felt it was time to start to understand this illness a little more. However I don't seem to get a chance to read it as there is always something going on. In fact I rarely read books anymore and that used to be something I loved. The escapism.

It then got me thinking about other things that I have let slip or in fact let go of completely. Things that used to keep me grounded, happy, normal.

I stopped horse riding when I was pregnant. Since having Eliza I don't read. At some point I stopped my poetry and photography. And then I seemed to give up music too. The only hobby I still have is pole and that's due to the friendship that it brings with it.

Anyhow I realised how I have lost things that make me me. So I decided to take a week off and be me. Today I went riding and felt the love of this sport return instantaneously. I am hurting already but it was worth it. I must start back.

I came home and had a bath. I was overwhelmed by the silence. There is never quiet in my house. Well maybe at night when I am sleeping but I am not conscious enough to enjoy it. I actually relaxed in the bath and was able to wash my hair without interruption! Who knew what a treat that could be!

I mooches around the market on my own, grabbed a coffee, all without time limits and other constraints. Who knows I may even open that book later.....

Take away the stress and bring back some of the old me. Even if only temporarily. In contrast to yesterday; today has been a good day.

Comments

Mum's Got Cancer; Part Thirteen

It seems amazing to me that I am writing another post. As I rounded the corner at the hospice this morning, walking towards the bay you are in, I held my breath. I was greeted by smiles and there you were. More amazingly I said hello and you spoke back! Mum you are incredible, amazing, an inspiration. Lying there listening, with Alex and I, to some Graham Kendrick. We have moved you to your own room to give you some peace and the freedom to leave us when it feels right for you. In the meantime I am in awe, as a Biologist, that you are still here. All of the staff are amazed and all we are pleased able to offer you respite. You aren't in pain, at least we don't think so, and we know you can hear us. I think you are just catching up on all the sleep you have missed over the years. All of those early mornings; all of those sleepless nights due to your "hot legs". We thought we would lose you to the MS but we were wrong. ...

Mum's Got Cancer; Part Four

Can we ask just one thing of you:- Please stop asking me how Mum is. I know you mean well and you honestly do care; you want to know that she is ok: but we can't tell you that. In fact we are tired of having to repeat ourselves and remind ourselves that Mum isn't going to get better. That this is it. That we can't help her but can on;y make her comfortable. Maybe ask how I am, or if there is anything you can do, or just give us a hug. Maybe just squeeze our shoulder and don't say anyhting. If we want to talk, I promise, we will. Sometimes, like my Blog, it is cathartic. Other times it hurts in a way I cannot explain. The best thing to do is send a message, a text, an email, and if/when we feel like it we will respond. Forgive us if we see you are calling and cannot take your call. It is tiring, emotionally, to drag our way through a conversation we do not want to have. We know you care and we don't want to appear rude but...

LuluSLR: Mum's Got Cancer; Part One

I originally published this post on 13 December 2016, a year before my son was born, and four years ago today. I thought, with the anniversary of Mum's death on the horizon, and with losing two friends to this disease in recent times I would re-publish these posts (minus the fundraising bits for Pancreatic Cancer). I thought long and hard about writing something knowing Mum doesn't like to talk about these things. However I think that everyone now knows and, being selfish: for me this is cathartic. Much like my #100SadDays blog I don't want this to be all doom and gloom. I want to talk about how it has made me feel and how it has affected everyone; including my beautiful mum. I have written about #cancer before; it isn't a new subject for me. I have spoken freely about how I feel about it and how it has affected both me, my family and my friends. I have said that it doesn't "touch" people as so often is coined: it rapes and kills and blights...

My Blog Bubble

Search This Blog