100 Sad Days: Day 18; Guilty Pains

An odd title I know but when I did a thesaurus check on the antonym of pleasure I got pain...

Maybe the Pain of Guilt is a better title. Whichever you choose today is about that!

I think part of why I am where I am is an overwhelming feeling of guilt. And guilt is a funny thing. Something you cannot shake. Something you just cannot let go of however hard you try. I know I need to forgive myself but I just cannot.

There isn't much I feel guilty about to be honest. I try to live my life without regrets. So yes I feel bad that I didn't get to see my grandmother before she died (frustratingly I was going to see her on the Saturday but she decided to pop her clogs before the weekend). Yes I feel bad for not seeing my family and friends as much but they all (should) know that I love them and keep them in my thoughts. I feel bad that my house isn't spic and span and I am not a stay at home mum but Eliza is a fantastic child and I live to ensure she is happy.

So what do I feel guilt over? What was my trigger?

It is so hard to write this as I know I will be judged but I promised to be truthful and lay myself bare: I had a termination two years ago.

Chris and I were in a dreadful place; arguing constantly. I have always said a baby is not a sticking plaster. I know how much hard work they are. I knew I couldn't do two kids on my own and I also knew if Chris and I were to stand a chance we couldn't do it. Not at that time.

To be honest you need not judge me: God has already done that. I now long to have a child but it seems unlikely. I miscarried this year and think my old body just cannot do it. I was lucky to have Eliza through all my scars. And we are lucky that she is a healthy and happy three year old.

I haven't given up hope and I would consider adoption too. However I cannot forgive myself for killing the gift that God bestowed on me. I simply can't.

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