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100 Sad Days: Day 17; Uncomfortably Numb


I think one of the scariest feelings that I get with my depression is that of nothingness. 

Not in a nice yoga-like-meditation way but in a vast emptiness type of a way.

It is an all consuming numbness. You just do not care about anything.  Not what you say to me or think of me. I am full to brimming with nothing.

The darkness comes from this, the lethargy, the apathy.  Nothing matters. I think this is where the suicidal tendencies creep in. I don't care what happens next. What would happen if I drove into that tree?  Or if I took a cocktail of tablets?  I have never seen any such thing through as I have Eliza and she deserves more from me.  She is the only thing that makes me feel something and can drag me from my black hole. And for that I will be eternally grateful. 

The numbness scares me most of all......

Comments

  1. Even these days when the worst of my depression has gone behind me, there are still those numb days, those inviting tree days.

    I get it I honestly do, I don't have an Eliza, but I have a Bella and she gets me through. It seems somehow ludicrous to put such a level of trust in a cat but her endless forgiving love keeps me going because selfishly I don't want anyone else to have her love or for her to be without me and mine!

    But those inviting tree days are beignets me for the greater extent and whilst I feel like a whinger or a burden I do ask for help and understanding and I do allow myself to feel numb and know it will change at some point soon xx

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