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100 Sad Days: Day 17; Uncomfortably Numb


I think one of the scariest feelings that I get with my depression is that of nothingness. 

Not in a nice yoga-like-meditation way but in a vast emptiness type of a way.

It is an all consuming numbness. You just do not care about anything.  Not what you say to me or think of me. I am full to brimming with nothing.

The darkness comes from this, the lethargy, the apathy.  Nothing matters. I think this is where the suicidal tendencies creep in. I don't care what happens next. What would happen if I drove into that tree?  Or if I took a cocktail of tablets?  I have never seen any such thing through as I have Eliza and she deserves more from me.  She is the only thing that makes me feel something and can drag me from my black hole. And for that I will be eternally grateful. 

The numbness scares me most of all......
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  1. Joy6 August 2014 at 14:56

    Even these days when the worst of my depression has gone behind me, there are still those numb days, those inviting tree days.

    I get it I honestly do, I don't have an Eliza, but I have a Bella and she gets me through. It seems somehow ludicrous to put such a level of trust in a cat but her endless forgiving love keeps me going because selfishly I don't want anyone else to have her love or for her to be without me and mine!

    But those inviting tree days are beignets me for the greater extent and whilst I feel like a whinger or a burden I do ask for help and understanding and I do allow myself to feel numb and know it will change at some point soon xx

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